D: Depend on God to Save Me

I am so torn right now. I struggle between the life I want... and the life I have. I wonder why there is such a big gap between them. This is my life...why can't I make it happen. It's not my job to make it happen. It's not my life to keep... but to give away.

Background before the rant and tears: So I send out an email to a bunch of people that I am looking for a new job. Of course not knowing what would come of it, but know that I needed to put myself out there. The best jobs come from word of mouth (especially in the entertainment industry). The next day I was contacted about a job and was asked to apply for it. It is at the church where I worked in college... in Columbia, SC.

Now the rant: So on my drive home today tears started to fall. Can I leave Orange County? Expect for my job, life is soo good right now. I have a great home and roommate. A marvelous church with global impact. Wonderful freinds. And it is sooo beautiful here. Mountains and blue skies everywhere I look. I feel as though I fit the culture and mood of the place. It physically makes me sick to think of leaving. At the same time... do I see myself out here forever? No. Not unless I get an awesome job that allowed me to live out here, or a husband to help support things. The cost of living is outrageous. My mind is always on money out here. The thought of buying a home here seems to me almost impossible.
On the other hand Columbia. Can I see myself living there. Oh yeah. It seems almost too easy to go back there. I already have a church, great friends (who I would hope would let me back into their circle). I know the area. The cost of living is more reasonable. Plus I would be back close to my family.

You know... a few weeks back I was watching "A Walk to Remember". Then I learned that a new Brown was on the way. The next day... I was looking for jobs in Raliegh and Wilmington, NC. I had the sudden desire to just up and move back to the Carolinas. That went on for about two days... then I got back into the excitment of my life here. With the PEACE plan and my church. Is going back to Columbia make my whole trek to California seem like a detour? Was I wrong to come out in the first place? Why did God want me here... if He is just sending me back? I just don't know what to do!!!

"We don't know what to do, but we are looking to You [God] for help." 2 Chronicles 20:12b

All I can do is depend on God to show me where. It is all so overwhelming. It seems like wherever I go it will be a battle. God will work out the details of where He wants me to go. This is His battle, NOT mine.

"This is what the Lord says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged becuase of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's!" 2 Chronicles 20:15